Sunday, September 17, 2006


I don't like it. I'm still not quite in top form, and instead of enjoying the chaos of Panama City, I'm sitting in the Hotel El Panama's 'business center,' reading my email and writing a blog post. I really would have preferred to be up and about by now, and to have done my internet stuff later.

I'm an analytical sort of guy. I am fascinated by the 'whys' and 'wherefores' of life. Being flat on one's back, without the energy to do much except think, gives one pretty much an ideal environment for reflection.

So, what occupied my mind during that time?

Well, a lot of things. Like: Am I nuts? What am I doing? I'm developing land in Panama? Why? I don't need this. Sure, I'm an adrenaline junkie with a strong creative drive, but why aren't I developing something smaller and closer to home?

Good questions, all. And there are good, completely satisfactory answers to all of them. It is just that when part of the human mechanism is out of tune, the rest of the system falters too. It's a good thing that people don't often make decisions when they are out of sorts, or nothing would ever get done.

I don't mean to suggest that I spend a lot of time agonizing about things, whether I'm sick or healthy. No, I make decisions and stick to them. That is my nature. I deal with things, make things work. I just find it odd that a momentary weakness, caused by an ill-mannered and unwelcome bug that chooses to violate my body for a day or two, would have even the slightest effect on my resolve and my purpose. We really are fragile creatures, aren't we?

I suddenly have this powerful need, now, to read the news. What is going on around the globe? Who is blaming whom for what, and how many innocent people have been killed because of it? How are the stock markets doing? What are the latest prices of gold and silver bullion on the spot market? Which world politician has made the most idiotic statement since I last checked? Are Tom and Katie still married? Actually, forget that last question. I really don't give a hoot.

Well, I'm pretty much back to my ornery, curmudgeonly, atavistic self. So here is what I have to say to the world:

"Bring it on, Buster! I'm back in fighting form. Don't even think of tangling with me."

I guess I really do feel better!


  1. I would hazard a guess as your heritage being the reason that you are the way you are.

    Although you were young, you were witness to the upheaval surrounding your existance brought about by uncontrollable forces - the war.

    Staying on top of current events and the world around you keeps you well informed and prepared to notice and act if something begins to happen that mimicks the crisis in which your parents were involved.

    You empower yourself by being acutely aware of your surroundings.

    The fact that you are developing in Panama leads me to believe that this is a reaction to a deep need for option, control and safety, should your homeland or some other less-obvious but representative fact (freedom, perhaps) become threatened.

    The fact that you brought these things to your mind while you were laid out in bed, I believe is due to the fact that when we are ill, we feel most helpless and that your current state of health and helplessness attached itself to latent fears and insecurities visited upon you in the whispers of your childhood.

    These fears and insecurities you are already, by way of your nature and need to protect and withstand and sustain in the face of crisis and threat and adversity, subconsicously on top of.

    Thus, your subconscious mind is drawn to the ways in which you are attempting control against potentially volatile variables, thus your conscious thoughts of the fact that you are, indeed, developing land in Panama and to the fact that you do, indeed, have a strong desire to hear the news.

    Why these things came to your mind is obvious to me, but why to you, could have been misinterpreted by your own self as not to why did they come to mind while you are ill and bedriden, but why are you doing what you are doing.

    But, I could be wayyyy off.

    Just an off-the-top of my head observation (that, by the way, gives away a lot about me, as well).

    I do believe that a cigar is ever just a cigar.

  2. never.. I meant never just a cigar.. lol! I am studying, tired and did not edit.. sorry. ;)

  3. "The fact that you are developing in Panama leads me to believe that this is a reaction to a deep need for option, control and safety, should your homeland or some other less-obvious but representative fact (freedom, perhaps) become threatened."

    You're a pretty perceptive gal, Penny. I wouldn't begin to argue with most of what you've said, particularly your paragraph shown above.

    I am not cursed with an awful lot of self-doubt. I am a pretty confidant person and don't second-guess myself as a rule. I think what happens is that the sub-conscious acts as a filtering/flushing system. It acts as sort of a centrifuge, and while flinging things about it helps separate useful/useless, good/bad, relevant/irrelevant, etc., then flushes the undesirable while filing the rest for future utility and reference. While the body and mind are in a healthy state and in balance, the subconscious does all of this unnoticed. When the body and mind are exhausted or overtaxed, the process is more noticable. When I am in less than ideal form, that's the way things happen with me. I don't sit and worry about things, they just careen around in my head, usually as minor irritants, interfering with those forward-looking thoughts that I would prefer to experience exclusively.

    That's my layman's interpretation, anyway.

    I always enjoy your input, Penny, and am impressed by your analytical skills.

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  5. Thank-you and good point about "when the body and mind are exhausted or overtaxed, the process (being) more noticable."

    And, I certainly never took you for a worrisome type. You sound very grounded and proactive to me.

    I hope you are feeling better.