By now, everyone must know about the flap generated by the Conference on World Affairs, held in a Boulder, Colorado, high school in April. That is where some participants in the "STDs: Sex, Teens and Drugs" panel suggested to teens that they could experiment with same-gender sex, take drugs, eschew condoms, along with other, less than responsible, advice.
I read through much of the transcript of the event and, to be fair, there was a lot of other content that amounted to the same feel-good, empty-headed, leftist drivel that we hear all the time. Lots of words, little import, considerable posturing and pontificating, mostly useless but not necessarily sinister information and opinions. However, the fact remains that things were said that have no place in a school, to students under the age of majority or consent, without express approval of the parents. I don't want anyone telling my son that it is OK to ignore all of the things I have taught him about responsible sex and respect for not only his mind and body, but everyone else's as well.
I have nothing against sex. I just don't want anyone infecting anyone else with the STD-of-the-day. I want people to treat each other with respect. How respectful is it to have indiscriminate and unprotected sex, thereby risking infecting everyone else you ever sleep with? How respectful is it to treat someone else simply as a tool for sexual gratification, to be discarded afterwards? I'm no prude and have no problem with recreational sex. It feels good. It's fun. And, while we are engaged in it, we aren't inclined to get into mischief like passing more laws or robbing banks. It remains, however, that sexual activity can be risky, and has potential for lifelong ramifications like diseases or unwanted pregnancy. It is not something to be engaged in lightly, without careful consideration beforehand.
Sex education, the practical and mechanical ins-and-outs of it, should be taught in school. The values and ethics of relationships and intimacy are best left to the parents. I don't want any social engineers interfering with what is my job. They are not up to the task.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Friday, June 01, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Your assignment for tomorrow is...
Bellezza said, in a comment on my last post:.
"I have thought about this post all day...it's so very complicated, the idea of relationships. We all have so many needs, and come to each other so imperfectly. I wonder if there's a Thursday Thirteen post in here somewhere: thirteen things women need from my perspective, thirteen things men need from yours. Whaddya think?"
I think it is a great idea, Bellezza. I'm not sure I can come up with thirteen things men need from women, but I will sure try.
This is an open invitation to all readers to come up with your own Thursday Thirteen list of what men need from women or women need from men.
Get cracking! Today is already Wednesday and you have a lot of thinking to do.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Can't live with them and...
There is much written in the blogosphere on the topic of male/female relationships. I wonder why?
Is it because truly good relationships between men and women are virtually impossible? Is it that over half of marriages in the western world fail and that we can't understand why? Is it that we consider ourselves personal failures at the art of relationships, and because it is a source of frustration and hurt we dwell or even obsess on it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations?
Much blogging is done anonymously. People can (and do) say whatever pops into their heads because they believe that no-one who might have a different point of view about the failure of a relationship (like an ex-spouse, a relative, a child, or even a marriage counsellor) will be around to verify and possibly contradict what is being said. I'm not suggesting for a moment that people always bend the truth, I'm simply saying that they don't necessarily consider the 'other side' in their writing because they don't have to when they are anonymous.
I know all about these things. I have had more than my share of relationships and marriages and have screwed things up as much as anyone. And I'm not just saying so because my name is posted right there on the sidebar, and anyone who knows my history could drop in at any time and dispute or refute anything I have to say. After a break-up with a live-in partner of about six years, about twenty-five years ago, I felt compelled to say to the parents of my ex: "In a situation like this there is her perception and his perception. The truth is somewhere in between." That's the way it is with each of us. We see things through the filters of our own expectations. What we see is sometimes right, but often wrong or at the very least incomplete.
My writing of this post is prompted by a post over at Chani's Thailand Gal blog. I am not responding directly to what she wrote there, nor am I refuting anything she has said. Chani is a pretty cool gal who can think for herself, and who says whatever is on her mind succinctly and eloquently. As her post is anecdotal and subjective for the most part, I will write mine in the same way. Perhaps we will have different perspectives from each other on the topic. That would hardly be surprising, since she is female and I am male. And that, dear friends, is where it all starts.
Long before anyone had ever heard of John Gray and his "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book was written, I used to say that men and women might as well be from different planets, because they were so fundamentally different. It is more than just the obvious physical differences, although those are certainly of interest. Think about it: soft, fragrant hair, silky skin, an exquisite curve of thigh, a shapely buttock, a breast with just the right amount of heft and jiggle... er, excuse me for just a moment, there is something I have to do.
There, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, heft and jiggle. Oops, I don't think I want to go down that road again for a moment, or I'll never get this post written.
There, you see, is half the problem. I have never been a woman, so let me speak as a (I believe, fairly typical) man. We are wired in such a way that the mere sight or thought of a shapely female form makes us turn into a quivering mass of jelly. Everything else disappears from our mind. We become so focused on conquest and gratification that it controls our life to a considerable degree. Women don't always understand that about men, and often don't want to deal with the reality of it. Yet, they want men to deal with their own female realities, their need to share, to communicate, to worry.
And there, is the other half of the problem. Women expect men to play by their rules, but often pooh-pooh the needs and expectations of men.
What, exactly, are the needs of men?
Glad you asked. Do we just want to mount the nearest available and interested female, grunt a few times and then go have a beer? On occasion, yes. But we also have many of the same relationship dreams as do women. The details might differ a bit, but the underlying sentiment, I believe is much the same. A man wants, I think, a mate who is his friend, someone he can be open and unguarded with, and someone he can snuggle up to at night. Sound familiar? Isn't that pretty much what women want?
It is beyond that commonality that men and women share where things tend to fall apart. Men like to have their women available. A few too many 'headaches' or protestations of "Not now, I'm busy," and the man, not wanting to be considered either too weak to control himself or (almost paradoxically) too brutish in his approach, will distance himself. Before long he will be across the room, then out of the room and eventually, possibly, out of the house. And into what? Yup. The arms and the whatsits of another woman. And if he doesn't actually disappear physically, he sure will in every other way. He will be unavailable emotionally, the one way that women probably want him to be present more than any other.
I may have mentioned on another occasion, I can't remember, that I once pitched a book that I wanted to write to some publishers. It didn't get picked up, and I forgot about it. The gist of it, I think, is relevant here. The book was to have been called "Sex and Intimacy in Cyberia" and it would have covered the whole relationship dance between men and women as they sought each other out in personal ads for purposes ranging from simple and essentially meaningless romps to marriage. My research at the time gave me some interesting insights.
Women, I found, would often use terms like 'kindred spirit' and 'soul mate' when describing what it was they were looking for in a permanent relationship. Men would, I'm sure, wish to have that sort of idealized life partner too, but I don't recall any man ever actually expressing it that way. I'm not sure, but I imagine most men would consider women who could fill those roles as non-existent or unattainable . It would make an interesting study to find out. I personally simply thought at that time that descriptors like that were too obvious. After all, who doesn't want a soul mate? I certainly always have.
Many women also broadcast the fact in their ads that they liked to "tell it as it is," and "speak my mind," two things sure to shoot fear into the hearts of most men. Men already think that most women like to talk too much. Add the potential of directed scorn and sarcasm, two things at which women excel, and men will head for the exits.
What did men look for? A warm body, common interests and a spirit of fun, mostly.
Will men and women ever get what they want out of their spouses and lovers? Some things, sure. All things in one person, I doubt it. Men and women have been disappointing each other since the human race first appeared and things are certainly not going to change in our lifetime. No amount of blog posts, of books, of documentaries on the topic, of pontification by Oprah and her 'experts' is going to change that. We are simply too different from each other.
Does that mean that men and women should simply give up on each other? Not at all. I think it means that we have to realize that sometimes something is better than nothing, especially if that specific 'something' is of exceptional quality. The trick is, I think, to make sure that the one 'something' that is most important to you is the 'something' that you look for in a spouse. If he or she doesn't have that particular something, take a pass and keep looking. Make sure though, that that something will be what you appreciate over the long term. The fact that you were both KISS fans when Gene Simmons was a young man doesn't really matter all that much today, does it?
I don't think we, as human beings, should give up. We have to keep on trying and not only because the human race will disappear if we give up on each other. As I was typing this post, I remembered that on a post some time ago I had listed a few relationship caveats for my son. I looked them up. Here is what I wrote:
"One day, you will start dating. One day, you will commit yourself to a serious relationship. There are a few things that you should look for. If they are not present, you should run for the hills before it’s too late. And don’t look back.
I think that one reason things aren't getting better between males and females is because the latter have been coached for decades that they are their own persons, that they are as good as any man, that they can do anything a man can do, etc. That is of course all true, and none of it is the real problem. The problem is that these things have often been couched in adversarial terms, by suggestions overt or implied that men and women should engage in a never-ending pissing contest. Why should that be so? Why not simply accept each other for what we are? Men typically like to get laid. Regularly, and with lots of variety. So? Is it unreasonable for their spouses to be available to them for a romp? Women like to have an available ear when they verbally shrug off the frustrations of the day. Is it impossible for their significant others to listen for as long as it takes for the purging to take place?
We need, somehow, to all get on the same team. I don't feel threatened by women, either personally or as competitors in the marketplace of ideas. I like intelligent women who can challenge me. I also like the fact that they can be soft and warm, and a lot of fun to be playful with. I don't see women as the enemy. I don't want them to perceive me in that fashion either. I believe that the exchange of ideas we all have via comments on our respective blogs are very healthy. I have learned a lot from Chani, from Jen, from Penny, from Bellezza and from others on my blogroll. We don't always agree on things, but I respect their opinions and try to understand their frustrations. They do the same for me.
I have written many words here today, and realize that I haven't even begun to address specifically some of the issues that Chani brought up. But, there is a dialogue. A man and a woman are communicating. Hallelujah. And I'm sure others will have more to say on the subject. And, thereby, we will all learn more.
I'm ready to learn.
Is it because truly good relationships between men and women are virtually impossible? Is it that over half of marriages in the western world fail and that we can't understand why? Is it that we consider ourselves personal failures at the art of relationships, and because it is a source of frustration and hurt we dwell or even obsess on it? Is it because we have unrealistic expectations?
Much blogging is done anonymously. People can (and do) say whatever pops into their heads because they believe that no-one who might have a different point of view about the failure of a relationship (like an ex-spouse, a relative, a child, or even a marriage counsellor) will be around to verify and possibly contradict what is being said. I'm not suggesting for a moment that people always bend the truth, I'm simply saying that they don't necessarily consider the 'other side' in their writing because they don't have to when they are anonymous.
I know all about these things. I have had more than my share of relationships and marriages and have screwed things up as much as anyone. And I'm not just saying so because my name is posted right there on the sidebar, and anyone who knows my history could drop in at any time and dispute or refute anything I have to say. After a break-up with a live-in partner of about six years, about twenty-five years ago, I felt compelled to say to the parents of my ex: "In a situation like this there is her perception and his perception. The truth is somewhere in between." That's the way it is with each of us. We see things through the filters of our own expectations. What we see is sometimes right, but often wrong or at the very least incomplete.
My writing of this post is prompted by a post over at Chani's Thailand Gal blog. I am not responding directly to what she wrote there, nor am I refuting anything she has said. Chani is a pretty cool gal who can think for herself, and who says whatever is on her mind succinctly and eloquently. As her post is anecdotal and subjective for the most part, I will write mine in the same way. Perhaps we will have different perspectives from each other on the topic. That would hardly be surprising, since she is female and I am male. And that, dear friends, is where it all starts.
Long before anyone had ever heard of John Gray and his "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book was written, I used to say that men and women might as well be from different planets, because they were so fundamentally different. It is more than just the obvious physical differences, although those are certainly of interest. Think about it: soft, fragrant hair, silky skin, an exquisite curve of thigh, a shapely buttock, a breast with just the right amount of heft and jiggle... er, excuse me for just a moment, there is something I have to do.
There, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, heft and jiggle. Oops, I don't think I want to go down that road again for a moment, or I'll never get this post written.
There, you see, is half the problem. I have never been a woman, so let me speak as a (I believe, fairly typical) man. We are wired in such a way that the mere sight or thought of a shapely female form makes us turn into a quivering mass of jelly. Everything else disappears from our mind. We become so focused on conquest and gratification that it controls our life to a considerable degree. Women don't always understand that about men, and often don't want to deal with the reality of it. Yet, they want men to deal with their own female realities, their need to share, to communicate, to worry.
And there, is the other half of the problem. Women expect men to play by their rules, but often pooh-pooh the needs and expectations of men.
What, exactly, are the needs of men?
Glad you asked. Do we just want to mount the nearest available and interested female, grunt a few times and then go have a beer? On occasion, yes. But we also have many of the same relationship dreams as do women. The details might differ a bit, but the underlying sentiment, I believe is much the same. A man wants, I think, a mate who is his friend, someone he can be open and unguarded with, and someone he can snuggle up to at night. Sound familiar? Isn't that pretty much what women want?
It is beyond that commonality that men and women share where things tend to fall apart. Men like to have their women available. A few too many 'headaches' or protestations of "Not now, I'm busy," and the man, not wanting to be considered either too weak to control himself or (almost paradoxically) too brutish in his approach, will distance himself. Before long he will be across the room, then out of the room and eventually, possibly, out of the house. And into what? Yup. The arms and the whatsits of another woman. And if he doesn't actually disappear physically, he sure will in every other way. He will be unavailable emotionally, the one way that women probably want him to be present more than any other.
I may have mentioned on another occasion, I can't remember, that I once pitched a book that I wanted to write to some publishers. It didn't get picked up, and I forgot about it. The gist of it, I think, is relevant here. The book was to have been called "Sex and Intimacy in Cyberia" and it would have covered the whole relationship dance between men and women as they sought each other out in personal ads for purposes ranging from simple and essentially meaningless romps to marriage. My research at the time gave me some interesting insights.
Women, I found, would often use terms like 'kindred spirit' and 'soul mate' when describing what it was they were looking for in a permanent relationship. Men would, I'm sure, wish to have that sort of idealized life partner too, but I don't recall any man ever actually expressing it that way. I'm not sure, but I imagine most men would consider women who could fill those roles as non-existent or unattainable . It would make an interesting study to find out. I personally simply thought at that time that descriptors like that were too obvious. After all, who doesn't want a soul mate? I certainly always have.
Many women also broadcast the fact in their ads that they liked to "tell it as it is," and "speak my mind," two things sure to shoot fear into the hearts of most men. Men already think that most women like to talk too much. Add the potential of directed scorn and sarcasm, two things at which women excel, and men will head for the exits.
What did men look for? A warm body, common interests and a spirit of fun, mostly.
Will men and women ever get what they want out of their spouses and lovers? Some things, sure. All things in one person, I doubt it. Men and women have been disappointing each other since the human race first appeared and things are certainly not going to change in our lifetime. No amount of blog posts, of books, of documentaries on the topic, of pontification by Oprah and her 'experts' is going to change that. We are simply too different from each other.
Does that mean that men and women should simply give up on each other? Not at all. I think it means that we have to realize that sometimes something is better than nothing, especially if that specific 'something' is of exceptional quality. The trick is, I think, to make sure that the one 'something' that is most important to you is the 'something' that you look for in a spouse. If he or she doesn't have that particular something, take a pass and keep looking. Make sure though, that that something will be what you appreciate over the long term. The fact that you were both KISS fans when Gene Simmons was a young man doesn't really matter all that much today, does it?
I don't think we, as human beings, should give up. We have to keep on trying and not only because the human race will disappear if we give up on each other. As I was typing this post, I remembered that on a post some time ago I had listed a few relationship caveats for my son. I looked them up. Here is what I wrote:
"One day, you will start dating. One day, you will commit yourself to a serious relationship. There are a few things that you should look for. If they are not present, you should run for the hills before it’s too late. And don’t look back.
- Family. If you each can’t stand your prospective in-laws, at least long enough to have Christmas dinner together, it likely ain’t gonna work. You should always make time to visit her family and you have every right to expect her to visit yours.
- Physical Attraction. It’s a fact -- your libido is going to be alive and well for a long, long, time. Make sure that you and your partner are compatible and share a mutual attraction. Even if you decide not to have a physical relationship until after you are married, you can still talk about things beforehand. Ignore this at your peril.
- Common Interests. You don’t both have to be exactly the same. However, if you are diametrically opposed to each other politically, philosophically, or worst of all in matters of religion, you have no future. Someday, you will be sitting on the porch in your rocking chairs. What will you talk about?
- Attitude. If you even consider hooking up with someone who is a perpetual victim, who thinks that all women are oppressed, that they never have the same career opportunities as men because 'men run things,' who thinks that she has to utter every inane complaint that enters her mind and who has no OFF button on her whine switch, you will deserve what you will get. Hell on earth.
I think that one reason things aren't getting better between males and females is because the latter have been coached for decades that they are their own persons, that they are as good as any man, that they can do anything a man can do, etc. That is of course all true, and none of it is the real problem. The problem is that these things have often been couched in adversarial terms, by suggestions overt or implied that men and women should engage in a never-ending pissing contest. Why should that be so? Why not simply accept each other for what we are? Men typically like to get laid. Regularly, and with lots of variety. So? Is it unreasonable for their spouses to be available to them for a romp? Women like to have an available ear when they verbally shrug off the frustrations of the day. Is it impossible for their significant others to listen for as long as it takes for the purging to take place?
We need, somehow, to all get on the same team. I don't feel threatened by women, either personally or as competitors in the marketplace of ideas. I like intelligent women who can challenge me. I also like the fact that they can be soft and warm, and a lot of fun to be playful with. I don't see women as the enemy. I don't want them to perceive me in that fashion either. I believe that the exchange of ideas we all have via comments on our respective blogs are very healthy. I have learned a lot from Chani, from Jen, from Penny, from Bellezza and from others on my blogroll. We don't always agree on things, but I respect their opinions and try to understand their frustrations. They do the same for me.
I have written many words here today, and realize that I haven't even begun to address specifically some of the issues that Chani brought up. But, there is a dialogue. A man and a woman are communicating. Hallelujah. And I'm sure others will have more to say on the subject. And, thereby, we will all learn more.
I'm ready to learn.
Monday, December 04, 2006
My sock drawer
I had an exciting weekend. I now have eight orphan socks, each without its corresponding twin. I can't bear to throw them away, so I have created a special place for them in my sock drawer, just in case their twins show up. I don't know what happens to socks while they are away. Perhaps they are temporarily in a parallel universe somewhere, where they perplex someone just like me about the whereabouts of their mates. I would really like to know if left socks and right socks are equally represented on the AWOL list, or whether just one or the other is always the one to disappear. Of course, there is no way of knowing that, so that puzzles me as well.
Then there are those little plastic containers that you store food in... do you know the ones I mean? We have gazillions of them in our home, but I can never find a top to match the bottom I pick to put in a sandwich or some leftover perogies. It is all very frustrating. If I didn't have weightier things to think about, these things just might keep me awake at night.
They don't of course, because nothing keeps me awake at night. If I were to stay awake though, I would be pondering some other issues of great importance. Like what? I'll tell you.
My wife and son and I were wandering around in Wal-Mart over the weekend. I saw a commotion out of the corner of my eye and looked in its direction, then watched with interest at what was going on. What was it? It was a woman berating her husband, enough so that it caught my attention, and doubtless that of other shoppers as well.
This sort of thing is nothing unusual, of course, I see it happen all the time. Actually, I don't recall ever seeing a male embarrassing his wife or girlfriend in public, but odds are it must happen, and I'm just not around to see it. I have , however, seen many instances of females embarrassing their husbands or boyfriends in public.
Why one and not the other? Is it that males are so useless, so incompetent, so stupid, so inconsiderate, that we simply can't function without women telling us where to go, what to do, when to speak, what to say, what not to say and when to sleep on the couch? Or is it that males, in these circumstances at least, have more sense and know when to shut up?
To be fair, the woman in Wal-Mart couldn't really shut up, because she was verbally abusing her husband in sign language. Naturally, except for some universal gestures that serve those who hear and those who don't equally well, I had no idea what she was saying. Her husband just stood there, sheepishly, and let her vent. Most men do that, under those circumstances.
Why is that?
I am willing to play by certain rules in a relationship, like: Be nice to me and I'll be nice to you; This irritates the hell out of me, so please don't do it; This pleases me, so do it at every convenient opportunity. Those sorts of things. No-one should ever, though, be subject to public abuse. Have a bone to pick? Do it at home, out of sight and earshot of everyone else, even (or especially) the kids.
I remember, years ago in a supermarket, seeing a very successful acquaintance of mine walking several steps behind his wife as she repeatedly turned and hurled invectives at him. He said nothing, and I quickly ducked down an aisle so as not to embarrass him. Several years later, I saw him with another woman. She was his new wife. She wasn't yelling at him. He was smiling.
Can it be that errant socks, plastic container tops, and good old common sense all go to the same place somewhere? There must be some explanation for it all, because common courtesy and consideration are becoming just as difficult to find as my missing socks.
It's a shame.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The Girl and the Ballerina Too
(The Ballerina - Click to enlarge)Penny, of the C O H T R blog, left a comment on my last post, inviting me to post something about my wife, since I apparently never or rarely mention her in this blog. My wife is a pretty private sort of person, and I respect her privacy, so it is true that I don't write much about her.
I used to write 'Dear Zachary' letters to my son on my personal website, before I started to write my ramblings in this blog. I have copied one of these letters to Zachary, written early in 2004, below. In it, I pontificate on the subject of relationships in general, before I get to the main point of the letter, which is to describe how his mother and I met, and then how to seek out a suitable lifemate for himself someday.
The Girl and the Ballerina Too (a relationship odyssey)
Dear Zachary:
You’re old enough, Zachary, to know that relationships between any two human beings are never perfect. Consider your relationships with your friends -- things are great one day, shaky the next, back to normal the day after. Think friendships are complicated? If you want the full range of emotional highs and lows, just wait until you start dating and eventually get married!I used to write 'Dear Zachary' letters to my son on my personal website, before I started to write my ramblings in this blog. I have copied one of these letters to Zachary, written early in 2004, below. In it, I pontificate on the subject of relationships in general, before I get to the main point of the letter, which is to describe how his mother and I met, and then how to seek out a suitable lifemate for himself someday.
The Girl and the Ballerina Too (a relationship odyssey)
Dear Zachary:
For better or for worse, men and women need each other. I’m not going to get into a discussion of same-sex relationships here, that’s beyond my realm of experience and I don’t want to complicate this discussion unnecessarily. Men and women usually get together for some combination of friendship, recreational sex and having babies. Long-term relationships sometimes work, sometimes not. I’ve been around, at this writing, for 58 years and have never once talked to anyone who claimed to have a perfect relationship. Such a thing might exist somewhere, but I suspect not. The issue, it seems to me, is how much grief and aggravation the partners in a relationship are willing to put up with in order to reap the benefits, real or perceived, of staying together.
Statistics show that over fifty per cent of marriages fail in western societies. It wasn’t always that way, but since divorcing has become easier over the last few decades and since living together without benefit of marriage vows has lost much of its stigma, people leave relationships whenever they feel the price they have to pay is higher than the value they believe they get from the relationship.
Is that a fair way to look at whether people should stay together? Perhaps not entirely. There are other issues which any rational person should consider, a prime example being the fate of children when couples split up. Children do suffer when their parents separate. I guess the real issue is whether they might suffer more in a family where mom and dad are constantly screaming at each other.
Given discouraging statistics and the evidence all around us of friends, family members and relatives who have divorced or separated, it is a wonder that males and females still seek each other out in a search for a loving, stable, long-term relationship, hopefully with that rarest of creatures, the ever-elusive ‘soul-mate.’
You and I have discussed the fact that I have been married more than once. You didn’t seem at all surprised when you found out that your mom wasn’t my first wife. I guess that since I didn’t marry your mother until I was 38 years old, you concluded that I might have had some sort of life before then. That might be considered an understatement. In my chaotic life, I can say that I made some choices that, retrospectively at least, might be considered to be counter-productive. I worked far too many hours, spent too little time at home and lacked patience. And that’s just my list. I’m sure that my first wife and the girlfriends I had before I married your mom, might have more extensive lists of their own.
Do I regret the way I lived my life?
Yes and no. I certainly might have done some things differently, given the benefit of hindsight. Some changes in behaviour and outlook might have been conducive to keeping or prolonging earlier relationships. But since every action has some direct consequence, and since my accumulated actions led me to your mother, and since without your mother you wouldn’t exist today, then no, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Actions, consequences. That’s the way things work. Every action I took, every action I didn’t take, every twist and turn in my life, inexorably led me to our life today. Had I made the slightest change anywhere along the way, I wouldn’t have you. I have told you that I wouldn’t trade you for the accumulated wealth of the world and I mean it. You are everything to me and I am proud and honoured to be your father. To have you as my son, I would repeat every mistake I have ever made, follow every wrong turn, relive every worry, every frustration, endure every moment of aggravation all over again. You are worth it. Every second.
Weird, isn’t it? In general, I believe that many couples don’t work hard enough to stay together. One or the other, or both, decide that the price they have to pay to accommodate each other is too great. They split up and try to find what they need, or think they need, elsewhere. Some couples, on the other hand, stay together and systematically make each other crazy, diminish each other and fail to satisfy each other in every conceivable way. Sometimes, the best possible thing to do is to cut your losses and run, as quickly as you can, for freedom. I’ve been there. I know.
Given my convoluted history, that you came to exist at all is a miracle. After all, I was 47 years old by the time you were born. I was beginning to think that having a child simply wasn’t going to happen for me. Briefly, in the 1980s, between relationships, I even considered paying a surrogate to bear a child for me. Then, had I married anyone other than your mother, over twenty years ago, the unique combination of genes that make you the Zachary I love could never have come together. Had any tiny change occurred as the day when you were conceived in late 1991 unfolded, there would be no Zachary, at least not the Zachary that is you. When you were born in August of 1992, you were the unique product of a combination of one individual sperm cell and one egg and had conception occurred a millisecond earlier or later, you would not exist. Perhaps a lovely little girl might have taken your place, or even another boy ultimately named Zachary Alexander Pedde, but it would not be you.
The Beatles’ “Long and Winding Road” would be a great theme song for the saga that culminated with your birth.
My first wife and I split up in 1976, childless. In 1977 or 1978, I attended a Libertarian Party convention in Toronto with the woman with whom I was living at the time. Although our relationship was already shaky, we were still trying to work things out. I was encumbered, but not blind. At the convention, I saw a pretty young woman with a pensive look about her. That look intrigued me. I observed and wondered, but that’s all. There was a fund-raising auction at the end of the conference, with a lovely painting of a ballerina for sale. I would have liked to take the painting home with me, but I really couldn’t afford to bid on it. The ballerina went home with someone else. I went back home to London, Ontario, to endure several more years with my live-in partner.
By 1982, things had finally run their course and my partner and I split up. To say that we had irreconcilable differences would be an understatement. We had had some wonderful times together but to continue our relationship would have been a form of sustained water-torture for both of us. Strike two. Again, there were no children. I was already 37 years old.
Sometime in 1982, I met a woman who I dated for about a year. I was gun-shy, reluctant to jump right back into another exclusive relationship. In 1983, we took a break from each other, ‘temporarily,’ ostensibly for the purpose of analyzing our relationship and where it was headed. As a consequence, I headed for the 1983 Libertarian Convention in Toronto by myself. I can’t frankly remember whether it was a provincial or a federal party convention. It was, if memory serves, October 22, 1983.
At the convention, I was standing in the main conference room, speaking with several Libertarian friends. As we chatted, a strangely familiar female wandered over and joined the conversation. I realized that it was the woman I had noticed years earlier, at the previous Libertarian convention in 1977 or 1978.
At the end of the conference, there was the usual banquet and we sat at a table together. We had many things in common and seemed to have a lot to talk about. Afterwards, we went to a Howard Johnson's restaurant on Yonge Street in Toronto and chatted until the early morning hours. Finally, I headed home to London. Chrystyna Domazar headed back to her mother’s home in Toronto, although her own residence was in Belleville, Ontario.
Over the ensuing weeks, there was much driving by Chrystyna and me. Because we lived so far apart, we would meet half-way between our respective abodes, always in Toronto somewhere.
On November 19th, 1983, I asked Chrystyna to marry me. On December 27, 1983, we got married in London, at the home of my brother Alfred and his wife Joyce.
To satisfy a contractual arrangement with Ontario Hydro, where she worked in the public relations department, Chrystyna stayed in Belleville for several months after we were married. Prior to our marriage, I had never been to Chrystyna’s place in Belleville. After we married, on weekends I would drive to Belleville or she would drive to London. When I visited her for the first time, I entered her little apartment, looked at the living room wall, and was flabbergasted to see the ballerina painting that had attracted me years earlier. I got the girl and the ballerina both. Imagine that!
Early in 1984, we bought a house in London and Chrystyna left Belleville to start a new life with her strange new husband, me.
Over twenty years have passed since we got married. I freely admit that I know as little today about male-female relationships as I did in 1983. Males and females are fundamentally different. No amount of rationalizing and pontificating by sociologists and psychologists is going to change that. Men and women think differently from each other, act differently, react differently, sometimes almost seem to be two different species. Sometimes, things just don’t work out in relationships. Sometimes, they do.
I guess the fact that your mother and I have spent twenty years together means that our relationship has worked. We enjoy our good times together, try to work out the inevitable differences and generally count our blessings. I have a very special wife, Zachary, and you have a very special mother.
One day, you will start dating. One day, you will commit yourself to a serious relationship. There are a few things that you should look for. If they are not present, you should run for the hills before it’s too late. And don’t look back.
- Family. If you each can’t stand your prospective in-laws, at least long enough to have Christmas dinner together, it likely ain’t gonna work. You should always make time to visit her family and you have every right to expect her to visit yours.
- Physical Attraction. It’s a fact -- your libido is going to be alive and well for a long, long, time. Make sure that you and your partner are compatible and share a mutual attraction. Even if you decide not to have a physical relationship until after you are married, you can still talk about things beforehand. Ignore this at your peril.
- Common Interests. You don’t both have to be exactly the same. However, if you are diametrically opposed to each other politically, philosophically, or worst of all in matters of religion, you have no future. Someday, you will be sitting on the porch in your rocking chairs. What will you talk about?
- Attitude. If you even consider hooking up with someone who is a perpetual victim, who thinks that all women are oppressed, that they never have the same career opportunities as men because ’men run things,’ who thinks that she has to utter every inane complaint that enters her mind and who has no OFF button on her whine switch, you will deserve what you will get. Hell on earth.
Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Daddy
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