Christmas is just around the corner. Since I rarely get anything from Santa that even remotely resembles what I would put on a Christmas wish list, were I to take the trouble to create such a thing, this year I am going to post my wishes right here, for everyone to see. Surely, Santa won't be able to ignore me, or neglect my wishes, if he faces certain embarrassment or ignominy as a result.
My Christmas List
My list is short, Santa, but very demanding, so make sure all your elves report for work in the days until Christmas Eve. You are going to need all the help you can get. And tell Rudolph to get his nose out of the bottle. He is going to need all his faculties about him, as he guides your sleigh this year. Don't worry, he won't need a red nose to help light the way as you navigate throughout the heavens. The places I am asking you to go to have so much tracer fire and rocket flare from RPGs lighting up the skies, that you will have no trouble finding them.
Don't be alarmed, Santa. I have it on good authority that you are an indestructible old coot and that nothing can harm you. You have, after all, been around for hundreds of years, and during that time you must have visited more than your share of battlefields throughout the many wars that have plagued the human race during your lifetime. I am a bit surprised and disappointed that you have not yet delivered what countless lonely children, wives, parents, relatives and friends of soldiers must have asked for a googol of times -- world peace.
Yes, Santa, you heard me correctly. That's what I want: World Peace. I want you to visit every contentious area in the world, spread some good cheer and good sense while you're there, and get everyone to stop hating and fighting each other.
I know that this is a big order, Santa. And I know that you must have had good reason to ignore the pleas of so many people over hundreds of years. After all, nearly every beauty contestant I have ever seen on television, routinely asks for world peace during the obligatory speech to show that she has both beauty and brains. How have you been able to resist those beautiful faces, those pleading eyes, those heaving bosoms? What? You don't take beauty queens seriously? Well, neither do I, actually, but you have to admit that asking for world peace is really a no-brainer, so whether they have the critical mass of grey matter in their noggins to understand what they are requesting of you is really irrelevant. Consider the message, not the messenger.
I really mean it, Santa. I am here and now going on record with the following proposal: I will strike the Maybach, the yacht, the fuzzy slippers, and everything else except the love of my family off my Christmas list. In return, I want peace and goodwill among men at Christmas, and at least a hope that sanity might prevail into the future so we can stop killing each other.
Got all that, Santa? I'm counting on you. After all, I've been a good boy, at least half of the time anyway, and this is what I want.
Make it happen.
