(Click on image to enlarge - taken at San Juan Capistrano Mission, California)Let's discuss time today, specifically the passage of time. Those of us in the estimated latter half of our expected life spans tend to think about these things. This particular preoccupation is certainly never far from my mind.
When we are children, everything seems to last forever. Even when I reflect back on a long and complicated life, my childhood years seem to have lasted a long time whereas my adult years, especially the last twenty-five or so, have just whizzed by. My years in Port Colborne, Ontario numbered only nine or so (1950 - 1959) but the time seemed much longer because they took place from ages five through fourteen. My son, now himself at age fourteen, has been alive about half again as long as my time in Port Colborne, but it seems like only a few months have passed since he was born. That, of course, is because I feel like my time is running out and I still have so much living to do. I'm sure it has seemed a lot longer to him.
The fact that we all live such busy, complicated lives also plays a part in how we perceive the passage of time. I'm sure that if I lived a more relaxed lifestyle, with less 'on the go' all the time, life would appear to slow down a bit for me. I think that time would appear to slow down, but I don't really want to find out for sure, because for the moment at least, I don't want to change my life all that much.
I chat with my son about my life, his life and just life in general. I explain to him that while I don't want him to live through some of what I endured over the years, I nevertheless want him to realize that nothing that is handed to you on that proverbial silver platter has any real value. You appreciate anything much more if you earn it yourself. I want him to develop a sound work ethic and a strong sense of purpose, even if it requires some hard work, effort and sacrifice to achieve that. Still, those of us who are parents can point to events and times in our own lives that we might not wish our children to experience.
When I was twelve years old, I delivered the Globe and Mail newspaper every morning. I had to get out of bed at about 5:30am, ride my bike to where the papers were left by the delivery truck, and then bike around to all of my customers until I was done. That is one of those things that I would never want my son to experience. I remember freezing my butt off in the winter, never having enough sleep, and hating every moment of that job. But I do remember appreciating the things I was able to buy with the money I earned. I also remember my poor mother getting up with me every morning, to make sure that I met my obligations to my customers.
We can afford to give our children things our parents couldn't afford to buy for us, so we do. We can afford to give our children hefty allowances that we never could have imagined as children, so we do, because we try to be good parents.
Do we overdo it?
I think so. My son gets a nominal allowance, a pittance, really. If he needs a few extra dollars for a special outing with friends, I will consider the request and if it seems reasonable I will oblige. He gets a few dollars extra if he does chores that I would normally pay someone else to do. His regular chores are what I call the 'price of admission' to the family and he doesn't get paid for those. When it comes to toys and gadgets, he doesn't get everything he asks for. For Christmas and birthdays, he will get something special, but almost never is he the first among his friends to get a particular item. I never want him to take anything for granted.
What does getting gadgets have to do with the passing of time? Lots. How many hours per week do our children sit in front of a TV or at their game console? How much time do they dawdle away playing with gadgets compared to, say, spending time with the family?
Is there any comparison?
I rest my case. Diversions are many, and kids will seize on any excuse to waste time and avoid doing chores or homework, or spending time with the parents who raise them. In the blink of an eye, their childhood is over, and then it is too late. Bad habits are ingrained, the kids are gone, and all of the wonderful times that could have been had, weren't.
And we will have turned yet another ungrateful little wretch loose on the world.
I have been trying extra hard, recently, to spend as much time with my son as possible. You see, we as parents aren't perfect either. We get distracted with our own toys and our preoccupations. And if we plop ourselves down in front of the TV or relax with a book or get absorbed in one of our hobbies, what kind of an example are we setting? Will we then be surprised that our kids will always be too busy to visit us, when we are old and lonely some day? After all, we will have set the example of not having time for them, and probably when they needed us most.
Shit. I just realized how much harder I am going to have to try to be a good dad.
And, time is running out. . .
When we are children, everything seems to last forever. Even when I reflect back on a long and complicated life, my childhood years seem to have lasted a long time whereas my adult years, especially the last twenty-five or so, have just whizzed by. My years in Port Colborne, Ontario numbered only nine or so (1950 - 1959) but the time seemed much longer because they took place from ages five through fourteen. My son, now himself at age fourteen, has been alive about half again as long as my time in Port Colborne, but it seems like only a few months have passed since he was born. That, of course, is because I feel like my time is running out and I still have so much living to do. I'm sure it has seemed a lot longer to him.
The fact that we all live such busy, complicated lives also plays a part in how we perceive the passage of time. I'm sure that if I lived a more relaxed lifestyle, with less 'on the go' all the time, life would appear to slow down a bit for me. I think that time would appear to slow down, but I don't really want to find out for sure, because for the moment at least, I don't want to change my life all that much.
I chat with my son about my life, his life and just life in general. I explain to him that while I don't want him to live through some of what I endured over the years, I nevertheless want him to realize that nothing that is handed to you on that proverbial silver platter has any real value. You appreciate anything much more if you earn it yourself. I want him to develop a sound work ethic and a strong sense of purpose, even if it requires some hard work, effort and sacrifice to achieve that. Still, those of us who are parents can point to events and times in our own lives that we might not wish our children to experience.
When I was twelve years old, I delivered the Globe and Mail newspaper every morning. I had to get out of bed at about 5:30am, ride my bike to where the papers were left by the delivery truck, and then bike around to all of my customers until I was done. That is one of those things that I would never want my son to experience. I remember freezing my butt off in the winter, never having enough sleep, and hating every moment of that job. But I do remember appreciating the things I was able to buy with the money I earned. I also remember my poor mother getting up with me every morning, to make sure that I met my obligations to my customers.
We can afford to give our children things our parents couldn't afford to buy for us, so we do. We can afford to give our children hefty allowances that we never could have imagined as children, so we do, because we try to be good parents.
Do we overdo it?
I think so. My son gets a nominal allowance, a pittance, really. If he needs a few extra dollars for a special outing with friends, I will consider the request and if it seems reasonable I will oblige. He gets a few dollars extra if he does chores that I would normally pay someone else to do. His regular chores are what I call the 'price of admission' to the family and he doesn't get paid for those. When it comes to toys and gadgets, he doesn't get everything he asks for. For Christmas and birthdays, he will get something special, but almost never is he the first among his friends to get a particular item. I never want him to take anything for granted.
What does getting gadgets have to do with the passing of time? Lots. How many hours per week do our children sit in front of a TV or at their game console? How much time do they dawdle away playing with gadgets compared to, say, spending time with the family?
Is there any comparison?
I rest my case. Diversions are many, and kids will seize on any excuse to waste time and avoid doing chores or homework, or spending time with the parents who raise them. In the blink of an eye, their childhood is over, and then it is too late. Bad habits are ingrained, the kids are gone, and all of the wonderful times that could have been had, weren't.
And we will have turned yet another ungrateful little wretch loose on the world.
I have been trying extra hard, recently, to spend as much time with my son as possible. You see, we as parents aren't perfect either. We get distracted with our own toys and our preoccupations. And if we plop ourselves down in front of the TV or relax with a book or get absorbed in one of our hobbies, what kind of an example are we setting? Will we then be surprised that our kids will always be too busy to visit us, when we are old and lonely some day? After all, we will have set the example of not having time for them, and probably when they needed us most.
Shit. I just realized how much harder I am going to have to try to be a good dad.
And, time is running out. . .
You had me laughing and nodding in agreement.
ReplyDeleteBefore I went back to University, I remember thinking that when time had seemed to move slowest was when I was in grade-school - each grade was distinct from the one before and the one after and each summer and winter break, respectively, had their own significances and passages associated with that year or that age.
So, I figured that going back to school would slow down the time that was unravelling at mock speed as I wasted it.
Wasted time and productive time seem to move just as quickly as each other, I have found in my own experience; the only variable that seems to have any influence is my age and as it rises, time moves exponentially into the past.
WTH?.. I asked myself fourth semester into school - this wasn't supposed to happen. How did I get that laugh line and where did this two-foot toddler come from and who keeps changing the last digit of the year, everytime I want to write a cheque?! And, since when did those 'a-bit-older-people' at the table in the back become my friends? What are my parents trying to pull, asking for the seniors discount? Why do my school-mates smile and tilt their blank-eyed faces when I refer to 1989. And, who changed the age categories for the quizzes in the Cosmopolitans in the doctor's office - I don't want to tick off the third box! And, why do my knees hurt when I walk up the stairs and what kindof crazy hangover are they putting in the beer nowadays!!
By the way, I think 5:30 a.m., assuming you've had plenty of sleep, is a magical time to get up - maybe that's my sleep-dep playing tricks on me.
I agree that we have to parent faster and that as much as each generation comes to realize that their children have it 'harder', so do those childrens' parents.
I'm not quite there, yet, as I don't have a teenager and I am certain, just as my parenting-thoughts-pre-Oee changed, so will my pre-teen-offspring beliefs, but I can see in my friends with 'tweens' that there is a constant internal mental tug-of-war. And, I am preparing, as I watch them and read you and others (Belezza).
We have to know how much to explain, how to do it, we have to be in tune with their bio/neuro/chemical/developmental stages and balance those against the rushing parrallels and discrepancies of the world we knew, the world they have and the world that is waiting for them.
I agree on the multitude of diversions. Idle hands 'n' all - except it's idle minds - plugged in, so as not to be ships-captain, but to relax in a subordinate role in one's own self.
Why not? The world is such that it is geared to lead people to the couch, to the fridge, to the remote, to their wallets, to work and back to the couch, again.
And, for children who's initiative has been seized by this cycle, a parent, it seems, has little hope.
Proactive Parents do it for them, Lazy parents don't expect them to do it, Angry Parents dicate and what they do now in resentful compliance, they relinquish responsibility of, later.
They have to want it. When it is fame and stardom or nothing, how do you motivate them to take joy out of little things, like freezing your butt off to buy things you like?
I had an allowance - It was given to me because I wanted a hamster and subsequently used to pay for his cedar and seeds. My hamster wasn't free, a necessity or a right. My money was a means to an end. My Grouchy Grandfather told me that you had to work for everything in this life. I didn't for a minute dispute it, but it didn't settle into my heart like that hamster-cash, because that statement was, to me, simply who he was as a matter of vague interest. I wasn't around enough to watch his sentiments in action and after he'd gone from his coffee, so had his words.
I had to pay rent, early on, as you know. I didn't mind this, because I saw the strain lifted from my mother and because, essentially, I welcomed eating on a daily basis.
But, when things are comfortable and not neccessarily spoiled, but comfortable, then what?
Desmond Morris studied the human animal and I don't remember the exact quote, but it was very much along this line:
The animal who adjusts (or, becomes acustomed) to his environment is trapped by it.
My (almost) last addition to this comment is this ~ my father thought I would be a lawyer, my mother thought I would marry a doctor, neither thought I would ever become a highschool drop out, they didn't push, because they saw no reason, but they did correct more than they praised. Were they right or wrong ~ I don't know and I am not sure if it would have made any difference. I was a conglomeration of dna with winding sequences that only in ways resembled their own. I could only be exactly what I am, because of who made me, what makes up me and how I was conditioned to grow, think and perceive as I encountered life, but the onus of my decision making and actions were not wholly on the people who attempted to properly condition me. They could only know in part who I was and only work from who they were.
The best thing my father taught me was to think. The best thing my mother taught me was to pray.
My father asked me the other day if there was anything Ophelia could do or may not do, in her adulthood, that would leave me disappointed. Not really, I replied.
She will cut her own path. My job is to make sure that as she does, she has the right tools to get out of the tangles and to find her way out of the bog. But, once I've give her the tools, I have to let her find the reasons to use them. Or, so I imagine, so I have seen and so I've been told and so it was with me.
Horse to water?
But, I cling to that sentiment of faith, that we can only do our best, because I fear that my methods may not work or I'll miss this or that or she won't hear it or learn or listen and in those cases, that faith will be the only thing that I will have to keep strong and sane and hopeful during the points where I wonder, while she waivers. And, I imagine I may sound as you do, here. Feeling like you need to find new ideas with shrinking time.
Faith.
Atavist - you are an amazing father to your son, an amazing friend to us out here in the blogosphere and obviously a success in a multitude of ways in your own life and for your family.
The unfortunate thing for people like you and I who start at the bottom, witnessing everything on the way up or through or past, is that we have received all our lessons first-hand and they are deeply and for good reason imbedded in us. With these, all we can do for our children is to pass them on in our language, with our stories, like folk-tales, as sentimental and whimsical as an old train-song, using the present as illustration.
They will never be able to feel and see, like we did, how we came to treasure the bits and pieces of wisdom we carry with us.
We can try to guide the development of their processes, so that should they encounter similar events and circumstances on their paths, they may act and overcome as we did. We can try to maneuver them away from the pitfalls that we stepped into.
But, imagine how daunting and unrealistic a task it is to save them from what we must have experienced for our own good, to save them from what we watched other people experience, to protect them from what we've heard other people have had to experience and to lead them to the benefits that we have earned and thereby grown from and learned to appreciate and to lead them to areas that we've shared or watched others take refuge and solace in.
And, even in breaking in down our subjective essons, strategies and quotes into a triage of sorts, who knows that they will come up against what we did, as we did, when in our development we did and that what worked for us will work for them.
Of course my long winded explanation of our speck-like influence in the succession of ourselves, is known to you and to every parent. But, maybe as much as we 'over do it', we try in vain, in thinking we are keeping vigilance, when it is time to take a breath and see what happens and that is why I write at length.
It is so impossible.
I think that you have had it right all along. You lead by example, so that should your son ever find himself in a certain situation, he can think about what you may have done. He won't have to access a library of your choices, he'll just know how you thought, because he knew you and he'll know what you believed and what he trusted in those things and he will make his decisions based on that.
The best gift you can give your son is your time and attention. And, you sound as though you do that.
I can't imagine you doing anything more or missing some critical method or speech.
The only thing that I would suggest for you at this time, is for yourself, to use your faith.
Have faith that he will clear his own path with the tools you have worked with and allowed him to watch.
Example and Faith are the best you can do. I see you doing it. Do you?
(uh.. yeah.. just call me Dr. Seuss.)
For me, my parents had characteristics I was proud to inheret and adopt, but for the most part, I asked myself the 'what would Jesus do' question, because overall in the handling of their lives, my parents were very dysfunctional.
For myself, I was blessed as a child with the gift of discernment and so I knew to dismiss many of their methods and in not having alternate resources, I started from scratch, with a guidance that seemed to feel right.
However you come to or find faith, I think a little bit of faith would be good for you, to help you know that you've worked hard for your son and to trust that in being who you are, you work the best, so it's okay to slow down - you aren't running out of time.
Faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in your son, faith in the universe - wherever you find your sustenance and revitalization and hope, go there and rest.
Peace of mind, love and blessings be with you.
(sorry.. I'm about to post my extended comment and I hope the messages aren't too redundant - redundancy (huge time waster) lol.
k.. I promise never to leave a comment longer than your original post, again. Fatigue is like that with me.. I just can't shut up, sometimes.
ReplyDeletePenny, your comments are always so insightful, and I take great pleasure in reading them. Some responses of mine to various snippets from your words follow:
ReplyDelete"By the way, I think 5:30 a.m., assuming you've had plenty of sleep, is a magical time to get up"
I agree, Penny. I love the early mornings in the summer, but not so much in the winter. Problem is, I like the late nights as well. That means often not enough sleep.
"...but I can see in my friends with 'tweens' that there is a constant internal mental tug-of-war. And, I am preparing, as I watch them and read you and others (Bellezza.)"
I too find encouragement, tips, and good sense out there in blogland. And sometimes, just the knowledge that I'm not the first to be frustrated by something is helpful.
"Desmond Morris studied the human animal and I don't remember the exact quote, but it was very much along this line: The animal who adjusts (or, becomes acustomed) to his environment is trapped by it."
I'd never heard (ot at least remembered) this particular quote of his, but I agree. Complacency is a dangerous thing. We need to stretch ourselves and encourage our children to do the same.
"My (almost) last addition to this comment is this ~ my father thought I would be a lawyer, my mother thought I would marry a doctor..."
My mother would have liked me to be a pastor or something, I think. She never actually said so, but I got that impression somehow. My dad's career ideal was a job where you could walk around with a white coat on and inspect things or supervise others. He worked very hard at physical labour all his life and the idea that you could just walk around and get paid for it appealed to him.
"I was a conglomeration of dna with winding sequences that only in ways resembled their own."
I have joked on occasion that my parents must have perceived this strange son (me) that they were raising as an alien who somehow ended up in their care. I was very different from them in significant and fundamental ways.
"Atavist - you are an amazing father to your son, an amazing friend to us out here in the blogosphere and obviously a success in a multitude of ways in your own life and for your family."
Thank you, and ditto. I learn from others and find the experience very valuable. As far as how I fare as a father, well, I flounder around as much as anyone.
"They will never be able to feel and see, like we did, how we came to treasure the bits and pieces of wisdom we carry with us."
You are so very right on about this. But some of the travails we faced growing up I would like to have my son avoid. Hopefully, second-hand recounting of things will suffice.
"Example and Faith are the best you can do. I see you doing it. Do you?"
I have a faith in that there is something deep in the human psyche that tries to steer us in proper ways. I also believe that without proper example and teaching that core 'something,' whatever it is, will have little opportunity to thrive. That puts a terrible responsibility on us as parents.
"For me, my parents had characteristics I was proud to inheret and adopt..."
Me too. I got my mother's love of music, her drive and determination. I got my dad's ability to shrug things off and not be deterred by obstacles large or small.
"Peace of mind, love and blessings be with you. "
And to you. You have many concurrent struggles right now, and you have friends out here who care about you. You will prevail and we will be happy for you.
I very interesting addendum you've added. I always enjoy reading who you are, from where you came and how you think.
ReplyDeleteAnd, thank-you. I appreciate your kindness.
Boy! You have some really long comments here on this post.
ReplyDeleteI think the concept of time is very interesting to study. Online time is even altering our concept, I think.
Thanks for your comments at my site. Teenagers are fun and interesting. Pleasant at times, even.